The truth is everyone has a story. The chapters of our lives shape us into who we are. I have never liked science fiction, or even fiction. Because it is full of drama and things that most likely would not happen in real life. Or can be full of things that do happen yet usually don't. And after I read such things, at times I feel like I'm being set up to fail. Kind of how I have felt most of my life. Yet I feel like if I started from the beginning with every detail by the end of my story it would probably have to be "labeled" as one or the other. I am not a fan of "being labeled" either. So this is why I will save my life story for the files where only love and loyalty exist. I have not deleted any previous blog posts. I have tried even through everything to keep my glass half full, yet if you truly read between the lines you will see it has been quite empty. You see 3 years of tragedy is a very long time even in the longest novel.
I love getting to know people, but most of all I LOVE hearing about their stories. About their own life experiences and what chapters in their life potentially molded them into the beautiful human beings they are. Almost every one I have ever met is strong and beautiful in their own way. Because of many life experiences, I have always routed for the underdog. I always stuck up to the bullies and I can now honestly say with a sincere heart I cast no judgments. That last part, I could not always say, but because many of the chapters of my life have been huge learning experiences. I could not help but change my perspective.
I have the best parents and family a girl could ask for. And lot's of it. So when I say this, please know this does not reflect on any of them personally. In the Valley of Cache where I was raised it is a beautiful place. Many will say it's a great way to raise children. And that is something I have also once claimed myself. It is full of very nice christian people. Many who I will always adore and love...Yet it wasn't until I moved to "Sin City" that I realized I did not have to be straight out of the Stepford Novels to fit in, to think for myself, and to just simply be loved. I always knew, but quickly learned because we did not make the "popular" decision by moving there we would be ridiculed, back-stabbed and ignored for far to long from some we love dearly. And I have also been supported by so many we never imagined. Yet I can honestly say those were the best years of our lives together as a family so far.
I have thought a lot about how much I want to get into religion in order to explain myself. And the simple truth is I only have a couple of things to say on that matter, and I will never EVER discuss it with anyone online again. I have always been a people pleaser. I have spent much of my life explaining. I lived the perfect "Mormon" life almost too perfect. I whole heartedly wanted to make my God, my parents, my in-laws, my husband and my dear children happy. And of course be with them forever. Well most of them I guess. I did everything asked of me. And would you believe I truly did believe tank top wearing, coffee drinking people would not dwell with my perfect soul when I died because why???
I have the best parents and family a girl could ask for. And lot's of it. So when I say this, please know this does not reflect on any of them personally. In the Valley of Cache where I was raised it is a beautiful place. Many will say it's a great way to raise children. And that is something I have also once claimed myself. It is full of very nice christian people. Many who I will always adore and love...Yet it wasn't until I moved to "Sin City" that I realized I did not have to be straight out of the Stepford Novels to fit in, to think for myself, and to just simply be loved. I always knew, but quickly learned because we did not make the "popular" decision by moving there we would be ridiculed, back-stabbed and ignored for far to long from some we love dearly. And I have also been supported by so many we never imagined. Yet I can honestly say those were the best years of our lives together as a family so far.
I have thought a lot about how much I want to get into religion in order to explain myself. And the simple truth is I only have a couple of things to say on that matter, and I will never EVER discuss it with anyone online again. I have always been a people pleaser. I have spent much of my life explaining. I lived the perfect "Mormon" life almost too perfect. I whole heartedly wanted to make my God, my parents, my in-laws, my husband and my dear children happy. And of course be with them forever. Well most of them I guess. I did everything asked of me. And would you believe I truly did believe tank top wearing, coffee drinking people would not dwell with my perfect soul when I died because why???
And that's where it ends. The truth is the relationships between my family and my god is nobody's business but ours. I have lost a child, and had much heartache in the midst of living the life I just spoke of. My chapters are so full. They are full of many laughs, lot's of emotion, crazy events that no-one except the one's who have lived them with me would ever believe. I have angels by my side daily, that I Testify of, they have led me, guided me, and at times carried me. On top of so much heartache I have witnessed so many miracles, be them big and small and through this I have come to love my God more than ever. There are many great people of EVERY religion. Why did I not know that? Why did it take moving to the City of Sin to show me how Pure, and Sincere and "Christ like" people can be without even knowing what I believed? Why did it take moving to Oklahoma "The Bible Belt" or to knock me straight on my ass, and almost make me loose all faith in everything? Did I need a literal tornado, and a whole lot more heart ache, to be able to say this? Maybe.
Yes it's true, the last 3 chapters of my life have been way more bad than good. I have tried so hard while blogging to be truthful, yet not divulge names, or even talk about the most hurtful things because they could in turn hurt those people right back. I have never intentionally tried to hurt anyone with my words. After this post I will go back to my "style" of blogging. As I keep a simple version of my journal online, I will try to keep my loved ones up to date, yet at the same time keep it real. Like I said a very long time ago when I started this style, it will be short yet sweet. True, yet protected. Raw, not always grammatically correct because this is the way I am. Unperfect. Unlike many bloggers, I am not on here to debate or give you a false sense of real life. I don't have the answers, but I do have a whole heck of a lot of experience.
One thing I have always been is "real". It is not always a great trait, to not be able to sugar coat my feelings. Yet I deeply respect those who are "real" right back with me. Those who if they have a problem or a question they will talk candidly and truthfully with me. Believe it or not most of those who have a problem with me have never discussed it personally. It has always gone through everyone around me. And honestly I have more anger built up about that than almost anything. And then after my family has been through Hell and back, we were damned to hell once again through a "revelation" of sorts at the Sunday dinner table. Why was I the only one to see through it. Maybe cuz I'm the "crazy" one. All I have to say is 7 months later I am so glad most things revealed were exactly as I thought. Simply not true. At the same time my children's own cousins were told to stay away from them, because they have been raised as free human beings. To explore all options of life. To be who they are and embraced as they sometimes dance to the beat of their own drum. Because, maybe they are "different". Heard it from the mouths of babes themselves. Many of these things affected them in ways no one will never know. And many will never be able to admit. And now every time I hear the word revelation, I just want to crawl under a table and hide.
Not only me, but many of my family members have gone through A LOT in the past 3 years. My dad was hit by a truck and damn near lost his life, right as I was loosing mine only some know how true that last statement is. My mom also came very close, yet no one believed me. Because remember I was certifiably "crazy". We had a dear family member in her 70's who WE love with all our hearts ask for our help, and WE have been there. Fighting for a cause WE have always and will always believe in, yet through all of this I have witnessed people who will go to war if you will, over the things that will never matter to me at least. Material items, and a man of no honor. I know A LOT, more than anyone will ever know because even at the risk of my own reputation I will never "ever" divulge secrets. Much of why above mentioned "revelation" was not true from the moment it was revealed. Secrets....that also helped lead to my demise. LOYALTY to others, secrets I kept, while taking much of the blame. I have never seen a lawsuit in my life, yet my family is smack dab in the middle of two currently. A lot of why I have just stayed quiet. To protect the one's I love. Loyalty...it's a rarity these days. Trust me. Yet we will be triumphant, because we have nothing to hide or be scared of. Irony, oh the Irony. It's been interesting to sit back and watch many who you have love and trusted your whole life... FAMILY, turn on each other as they all claim to be fighting for the same cause.
I know these are fighting words, and the only difference between today and 6 months ago is, I will no longer fight back. There is nothing I have to say in this post especially that is up for debate. Do these people know how I feel? Unfortunately Yes. This is my truth. And even after everything I am surrounded by so many great people, I cannot help but Thank my blessings every single day. Am I perfect? Hell no, and will never ever ever claim to be. Have I made some mistakes through the madness, YES many!! But the truth is, I am coming back every day. If you ask those who I love this is a miracle all in itself. I am so blessed with loyal, loving, forgiving, but mostly freaking amazing people in my life.
I believe in fate. I believe "good" people can do bad things, and that "bad" things can happen to good people. I believe people come into my life just as I need them, even if it is for a short time only. Long or short, they all mean more than they will ever know. Yet many stay long, and the best never leave. They have been by side through every chapter of my crazy, ironic, sad, ugly beautiful, amazing life. I do not believe time heals all wounds. But I do believe that most everyone can change. I am living proof. I am changing daily and I hope to always improve. Do I still have hurt and anger? Of course I am human. Do I believe I can let it go? YEP much of why I had to move away. I have no hate in my heart. I am a passionate, loving, loyal person. Many of the same people I speak of have also done amazing things for me in my life. I love my parents, I love my family, and I love my in-laws. Life is so short. I hope to be able to sincerely tell them all sooner rather than later, how much I love them. When you have been where I have been, experienced what I have experienced, and seen what I have seen, then maybe you can cast judgment. But until I write my biography, only God knows. Yet I think it was therapy, that made me want to write a biography, because if I ever have to rehash and re-live much of my story, I just want to say... here ya go read for yourself! It is up to you if you believe. Maybe I'll even Title it "Stories of a Mad white woman".
I am now in "Zion" which is St. George, Utah only 2 hours from "Sin City" Las Vegas, Nevada. Do you now feel the irony? But it is perfect for me. PERFECT!
I am trying to remove the walls I have built, move on, hopefully loose a few chapters and by the end write the best story ever. A story that only ends in Love, Happiness, and most of all Hope. Maybe that's why I love fairy tales so so much. And the fact that I do have a real life prince charming who I usually refer to as "my better half, and of course the best little Hansel and Gretel a girl could ever ask for. And I will always believe in forever. This chapter is officially over. The End
One thing I have always been is "real". It is not always a great trait, to not be able to sugar coat my feelings. Yet I deeply respect those who are "real" right back with me. Those who if they have a problem or a question they will talk candidly and truthfully with me. Believe it or not most of those who have a problem with me have never discussed it personally. It has always gone through everyone around me. And honestly I have more anger built up about that than almost anything. And then after my family has been through Hell and back, we were damned to hell once again through a "revelation" of sorts at the Sunday dinner table. Why was I the only one to see through it. Maybe cuz I'm the "crazy" one. All I have to say is 7 months later I am so glad most things revealed were exactly as I thought. Simply not true. At the same time my children's own cousins were told to stay away from them, because they have been raised as free human beings. To explore all options of life. To be who they are and embraced as they sometimes dance to the beat of their own drum. Because, maybe they are "different". Heard it from the mouths of babes themselves. Many of these things affected them in ways no one will never know. And many will never be able to admit. And now every time I hear the word revelation, I just want to crawl under a table and hide.
Not only me, but many of my family members have gone through A LOT in the past 3 years. My dad was hit by a truck and damn near lost his life, right as I was loosing mine only some know how true that last statement is. My mom also came very close, yet no one believed me. Because remember I was certifiably "crazy". We had a dear family member in her 70's who WE love with all our hearts ask for our help, and WE have been there. Fighting for a cause WE have always and will always believe in, yet through all of this I have witnessed people who will go to war if you will, over the things that will never matter to me at least. Material items, and a man of no honor. I know A LOT, more than anyone will ever know because even at the risk of my own reputation I will never "ever" divulge secrets. Much of why above mentioned "revelation" was not true from the moment it was revealed. Secrets....that also helped lead to my demise. LOYALTY to others, secrets I kept, while taking much of the blame. I have never seen a lawsuit in my life, yet my family is smack dab in the middle of two currently. A lot of why I have just stayed quiet. To protect the one's I love. Loyalty...it's a rarity these days. Trust me. Yet we will be triumphant, because we have nothing to hide or be scared of. Irony, oh the Irony. It's been interesting to sit back and watch many who you have love and trusted your whole life... FAMILY, turn on each other as they all claim to be fighting for the same cause.
I know these are fighting words, and the only difference between today and 6 months ago is, I will no longer fight back. There is nothing I have to say in this post especially that is up for debate. Do these people know how I feel? Unfortunately Yes. This is my truth. And even after everything I am surrounded by so many great people, I cannot help but Thank my blessings every single day. Am I perfect? Hell no, and will never ever ever claim to be. Have I made some mistakes through the madness, YES many!! But the truth is, I am coming back every day. If you ask those who I love this is a miracle all in itself. I am so blessed with loyal, loving, forgiving, but mostly freaking amazing people in my life.
I believe in fate. I believe "good" people can do bad things, and that "bad" things can happen to good people. I believe people come into my life just as I need them, even if it is for a short time only. Long or short, they all mean more than they will ever know. Yet many stay long, and the best never leave. They have been by side through every chapter of my crazy, ironic, sad, ugly beautiful, amazing life. I do not believe time heals all wounds. But I do believe that most everyone can change. I am living proof. I am changing daily and I hope to always improve. Do I still have hurt and anger? Of course I am human. Do I believe I can let it go? YEP much of why I had to move away. I have no hate in my heart. I am a passionate, loving, loyal person. Many of the same people I speak of have also done amazing things for me in my life. I love my parents, I love my family, and I love my in-laws. Life is so short. I hope to be able to sincerely tell them all sooner rather than later, how much I love them. When you have been where I have been, experienced what I have experienced, and seen what I have seen, then maybe you can cast judgment. But until I write my biography, only God knows. Yet I think it was therapy, that made me want to write a biography, because if I ever have to rehash and re-live much of my story, I just want to say... here ya go read for yourself! It is up to you if you believe. Maybe I'll even Title it "Stories of a Mad white woman".
I am now in "Zion" which is St. George, Utah only 2 hours from "Sin City" Las Vegas, Nevada. Do you now feel the irony? But it is perfect for me. PERFECT!
I am trying to remove the walls I have built, move on, hopefully loose a few chapters and by the end write the best story ever. A story that only ends in Love, Happiness, and most of all Hope. Maybe that's why I love fairy tales so so much. And the fact that I do have a real life prince charming who I usually refer to as "my better half, and of course the best little Hansel and Gretel a girl could ever ask for. And I will always believe in forever. This chapter is officially over. The End
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